Talking cows

 

“I’ve only just finished filling the last divots” I muttered to myself, (although in reality, it had been about six months), I stood up from the desk where I had been furiously twittering about Covid vaccine injuries for the last hour and a half. The cows, led by the devil heifer were trapsing, again, quite happily over the cattle grid and onto my front lawn.

The last time they had invaded I let the dogs out and spent over an hour trying to herd them towards the gate near my polytunnel and back onto the road. Nearly every part of the garden had been run over by the five cows that were having a vacation from Paddy up the road’s field.

The Devil Heifer is like Klaus Swaab, her merry band of followers are like a religious sect, kowtowing to their leader, creating bedlam with every divot, the more frenzied they get the deeper the divots. But this time I have a plan, instead of chasing the cows I would entice them out by waving an empty feed bag at the gate, so they thought there was a chance of some tasty cobs on the go. The idea came from Paddy up the road and the World Economic Forum both of which I had observed using the tactic before.

So, I’m up at the gate now waving my false promise and Lord be Praised its working, the Devil Heifer and her cohorts are approaching fast, a bit too fast actually so I step behind the wall. The heifer stops, she has a weird look on her face and suddenly she speaks, “Do ye think we are feckin stupid” WOOAH this cow is talking to me, I pinch myself, maybe this is a dream or some sort of halucimication, the World has been crazy this last couple of years after all.

“Ehhh” I’m stuck for words and the pinch hurt so I’m sure I’m awake, maybe the vitamin D I have been taking to detox myself of the Covid vaccine spike proteins is making me see talking cows.

“We are just having a peaceful protest here and you start waving around that empty bag scaring the calves” she says looking over her shoulder at a couple of the younger animals in her troop.

“What are you protesting?” I say still not believing I’m having a two-way conversation with a cow. “So, you’ve not heard about the moves to cull off the herd then? A third of us to be killed initially then more and more until Bill gets his dream of having more money than everyone again and his Lab grown meat filling the bellies of your obese offspring who can’t decide what gender they are”

WOW !!

“All is to save the World from burning up” She is into her stride now, “Apparently because us cows fart, I will have you know that there was more methane come out of Davos recently than has ever been emitted here in Ireland, what do you think talking bull shit emits?

This is one well read cow I think to myself. “Where do you get all your info?” I ask. “Maude corresponds with Greta Thunderburg a teenager over in Sweden and she keeps her updated with the 17 WEF goals and Klauss’s plan to take over the World. Greta thinks she is talking with a teenage Irish girl”.

“She is not a teenager; she is 21 and a millionaire already from her sales of Climate Disaster books I will have you know” says Maude a blue grey coloured matronly looking dame. “I like her, at least she knows she’s a girl”.

“Could you have your protest on the road, it would slow down the traffic and get more attention for your cause?” I ask hopefully. They discuss the proposal between themselves in cow which I can’t speak unfortunately as I’m an English speaker and we don’t bother learning other languages.

“Your grass is rubbish by the way” one of the cows mutters to me on its way past “Never could understand why you humans keep cutting down perfectly edible grass”

“Whateva” I thought to myself as they exited the garden and am sure they were discussing breaking into my neighbours “just fer the craic” as they lumbered off down the road.

I hobbled back to the house and put the kettle on for a brew, green tea to assist with the detox along with a vitamin D pill.

I have three dogs who were crowding around hoping for a treat as I took a seat with my tea, “You would not believe it guys but I just had a chat with some cows who are protesting the dystopian WEF agendas “ I said not expecting an answer from the dogs but maybe a tail wag or something. However, Ben, the smallest and most bullish of the dogs said” Why did you not let us help with the cows? It was great fun chasing them last time”, You should have said” I responded and giggled inwardly that I was getting a lecture from my dogs. “I did ask” said Ben, and Sheila muttered “, he doesn’t speak dog”.

“It is going to be like that George Orwell 1984 in no time” said Gus my old collie, “with the Thought police, Big Brother and the Ministries of Truth and Peace”, “How did you learn about 1984?” “I listened to the audiobook you had on” he replied. “But I thought you were deaf” “OH no that’s just an act so I get extra attention”.

Benny butted in, “ While we are on the subject of changing life as we know it we have to protest this move of Bill Gates and the WEF to get rid of real meat and grow it in the lab, there will be no bones and eating bugs suck, although I like chasing bees” “There wont be many bees in the planned Mega Tri City and even here they are trying to get us into 5 min cities, maybe pets will be banned too with no gardens”

The alarm goes off, I look out the window, no new divots, phew it was all a dream.

Ben looks up at me his big brown eyes full of love for his Human, “ I’m afraid not Boss, the 15 min cities, Culling of the beef herd, Introduction of lab bred meat, Digital ID’s, Central Bank Digital Currencies, Covid 19 vaccine injuries and excess deaths, The mad rush to Net Zero by 2030, Man made Climate Warming Hysteria, the weird Pronouns and Gender thing, they are all real and happening now” he said.