Comedy

I stayed up most of last night to write some witty prose and to my shock this morning not one person had given me the Nobel Prize in scribbling or the Man Booker thing or anything then in a flash it came to me, I was sober when I was writing.

A while back now I lived in Belmont near Newcastle in NSW Australia and back then I thought about comedy as career but gave it up because I was turning into an alcoholic. The more I drunk the funnier I got I remember one memorable Sunday I was Hilarious, really really funny, you have heard of people doubled up with laughter well I was even funnier, I was so funny I couldn't walk.

It was about three kilometres from the club to the house quite a long crawl but I made it only my trouser knees suffering and it was soooooo funny I made myself sick, when I reached my sleeping spot, under the poison ivy outside our cute wee cottage it was heaven to just rest my head and listen to the cicadas, cars honking and people laughing at how funny I was.

I was reminded this morning with the sun shining through the bedroom window of how I used to wake for three months back then with the dappled sunlight glinting through the garage skylight onto my sort of futon type thing back there in Belmont.

Angie is better this morning her swelling is down to moderate chipmunk status and she shouts for "tea tea" just as loudly as normal so I am patting myself on the back for being such a clever little first aider :)

Ohh another reason I never took up comedic writing is who remembers that really really funny bloke who writes Johnathin Ross's material you know the guy? I can just see his face what's his name again? Ohh and I'm sober far too much.

The Ninja mozzie that turned Angie into a chipmunk

See when I was younger my body felt like a weapon, maybe an Excocet missile or summat just now it still feels like a weapon but more like a spent 303 cartridge, why? Well its because I cant sleep and the reason I cant sleep is Angela and the noise she is making. Now normally if Angela is sleeping rather noisy its because she has been dancing with Jack (Daniels) or Jim (Beam) and I put up with it for a while then resign myself to the spare room, but tonight she has an excuse.

So its 0330 and I'm typing quietly on the Ipad so as not to disturb her and keep a wary eye on the swelling with the light from the display, ohh btw before you all panic and call me and wake me up, the swelling has gone down substantially and she will be fine.

Where was I? Ohh yeah last week I was gardening, as I do, and I got bitten by an insect, now this wasn't a cleg or horse fly cos they are big, and being a hairy sod I feel them land and squash them quick and it wasn't a midgie as they are small and quite nice really, this was the size and shape of a mosquito but it wasn't like one of those friendly Ozzie ones that buzz you and have you slap your own head repeatedly, and has the nice wee lump forming saliva or whatever. Na this one is a Ninja Mozzie its deadly quiet you don't feel him land and well when I got bitten on the forearm and the leg, my leg swelled up so much I had to elevated it to ease the swelling as I lay on the couch, which I sometimes do.

This elevation was great ( I included a new paragraph here as I thought you might be falling asleep btw) where was I? Ohh yeah it was great until I lowered the leg to try and walk and all the blood rushed back in and it was like the GOUT, well no not quite as bad just more like a lorry had reversed over the leg or summat.

So anyway I was working away designing a website this afternoon, as I do very occasionally  and Angie popped her head round the door to tell me the inside of her mouth was swollen so I checked her out and came to the conclusion that she may have been bitten by something and seeing last week my reaction had been so bad I told her we should call the DR for advice, to which she poopooed me and looked like she might hit me so I gave her some antihistamine and patted myself on the back because I'm a good First Aider.

So Anyway, about half an hour later she popped back into the office where I was still designing a website and her face was visibly swollen like the sketch in Fawlty Towers where Polly has the cotton wool in her cheeks you know? so I risked getting hit against her demands and rang the DR. Being an Easter Saturday evening he hit me, no he didn't, that was a joke, there was an answer machine which directed me to another number for West Link Care ( they do out of hours emergencies) the girl there asked me what was wrong and she called a nurse who in turn called me back and told me to jump in the car and drive to Carna straight away.

Carna is about as far from here as Dubbo was from Kurnell so I asked her if there was anywhere closer like maybe Carraroe surgery or Spiddal or Galway so she then directed me to Rosmuc which is about 25 mins drive and gave me an appointment for half an hours time. I jumped in the car and looked down "ohh no" I said to myself "there might not be enough petrol to reach Rosmuc and back" Robert Behave m8 this isn't a novel. Sorry where was I?

Ohh yeah I had to go 50 meters out of my way and put €24.65 worth of petrol in the car, very quickly and there was a que at the counter so I said "Medical Emergency" and pushed my way to the front as I do, ahaha Mum I don't actually I have never done that before. Anyway dashed back out to the car and sped off, I just mentioned to Angie what I had done and she "^%&£"$%(", a few times and told me I was "making too much fuss and I should slow down".

 I was driving about 5 mph above the speed limit, as now I was going to keep the DR waiting, she then said something I had never heard before but is brilliant advice for someone speeding that doesn't have a potential airway constricted death patient with a head now resembling a semi deflated basketball sitting beside them and that is "YOUR BETTER OFF 5 MINS LATE IN THIS LIFE THAN MINS EARLY IN THE NEXT"

So we got to the DR's and she praised my First Aid in her way, so I patted my back gently again and went to tell everyone in the waiting room about the Ninja Mozzie incase they thought I had punched Angela or summat. She got a huge vial of antihistamine injected and a super "sore" syringe of steroid to lose the inflammation. I say Super sore there because of all the moaning I had to put up with, and was told to wait 20 mins in the waiting room to make sure the swelling had not got worse.

The 20 mins flew past as I spent the time trying to get a good photo of her head for medical science or posterity or as I told everyone in the room Facebook as I like to have a wee joke when someone is in extreme pain to lighten the mood you know. Anyway all is well and she is sleeping like a baby, a very very very loud baby.

So I'm going to try and sleep again now as its after four and I feel like bacon and eggs, so if you all would like me to stop my attempts at humorous prose and go for a badly required road workers job or summat maybe you will all send money?

Slán

10th of February and the first dry calm day of the year

Well its a bonny day here, the first calm sunny one of the year. So I wandered round with the camera and captured the first colour of the year.

I'm off to take advantage of the nice day toodle pip.

February the depressing month

 Christmas  and New Year came and went January blew itself  out we’ve been hit by Storms Abigail, Barney, Clodagh, Desmond, Eva, Frank ,Gertrude and Storm Henry. It's been very very wet and by February I am depressed. 
It's almost impossible to get things done in the garden as everything turns to mud I haven't had any work and am fed up painting so today was a bit of a relief, the weather was pleasant and I got some jobs done. On my walk about there are daffodils out as well as snowdrops and the big Camelia bush is only a couple of weeks away from blooming too. 
I got a tree felled and chopped up and a trailer load of seaweed from the beach for my garden so I will put that on my raised beds tomorrow, planted garlic and some seeds in a propigator in the laundry and I,m not half as depressed as I was.

Roll on Springtime. I shall have to get back onto helpx soon and get some bodies to help out again made a big difference last year. 

Wild old night

We are having a good old blow here described on the weather as a“once in several decades” event for many parts of the State, and that there could be “several weeks” of flooding ahead. “It’s really exceptional,” the forecaster said. “We’re talking a month’s rainfall over the course of 36 hours, which could equate to 100mm of rain. Depending on what part of the northwest you’re in, that is a one in 20 or a one in 50 year event.

Its just starting to get light here and I cant see any trees down yet but that may be because its still dark Rob you silly sausage !!! Anyway if there are any down that are not blocking the road they can wait till tomorrow to be attended to. 

 Costa Rica is the happiest country in the world. That’s according to the findings of the Happy Planet Index (HPI), which ranks the extent to which countries around the globe produce long, happy, sustainable lives for the people that live in them. Australia is the 76th happiest place to live in the world and Ireland also in the 70,s I blame the Pollies. They cause me grief here with their flaunted bigotted old schoolboy attitudes and are as corrupt as can be, most of them have very small brains which is made evident  in their policy decisions. Australian Pollies are almost as bad as the Irish ones but they don't have the excuse that Leprechauns told them to do it. 

I see Mark Zucherburg is giving away 99% of his Facebook shares worth over $45 billion  with two central goals – advancing human potential and promoting equality – focusing initially on personalised learning, curing disease, connecting people and building strong communities. Some folks are complaining about his philanthropy, they are from America which is also a country in the Orange bracket of happiness. As far as I can see their pollies are pretty thick too I mean there are between 12,000 and 13,000 people killed every year and 51,000 gun related incidents and yet they wont reform gun control?      

Ok its light out there now I'm away to look for fallen trees.

Nurses car tax and other comments

92% of Irish nurses voted to have 2 strikes here, not for pay increases, that they almost definitely in my opinion should get, but for more staff to be employed. I suppose this could come under the umbrella of "conditions" and I remember when I was working on the docks being told that giving up conditions was far worse than giving up money in negotiations as conditions were a lot harder to get back.

Now I have been into hospitals here quite a bit and honestly A&E is a shambles especially in the public system, more staff and beds are needed desperately, and someone should be looking at the management as well, so, I think,  these nurses striking is actually for the good of everyone not just a play for an easier time at work. Good luck to them and the Government rather than giving tax breaks to score points in the upcoming general election, should be sorting out the hospitals in this country.

I have just had my Subaru Forester converted to a Goods vehicle because the road tax of €2700 per year was skinning me, it now costs €330 a year but sheeeze what a drama getting it done. First the car was in the garage for 8 weeks, yep 8 weeks to remove the back seats and restraints and put a floor in. Apparently most of this time was due to paperwork taking ages.

Anyway I get the car back then have to go through the paperwork part this involved trying to find a policeman or Gaurda as they are called here, finding a cop in rural Ireland is like trying to win Lotto. Eventually I contacted the main station and managed to set up a time to get my form stamped.

Rolled up to the car tax place which is only open a couple of days a week so the que is up the street with all my forms, Gaurda stamped form, Engineers report form, CVRT pass statement, completed tax renewal form, licence, proof of address, certificate of road worthiness. Ohh its also impossible to find on line what documents are required to do this conversion so I was going on the garage as to what documents were required.

The nice lady at the counter explained that she would need a weighbridge ticket and proof of insurance and would be charging me tax in arrears for the month of October, even though the car weight had been filled in by the testing centre on the CVRT form and the car had been off the road for the last 8 weeks. She explained that there is a form that should be completed before the car goes off the road, but I didn't know it was going to take 8 weeks anyway I went to the local port and got them to weigh the car again as the testing centre in Galway had never been asked for a weigh docket before as the weight is written on the form, it cost €30 to weigh the car, they would have done it for nothing but the printing out of the form cost the money.

The nice lady then asked for insurance details and I explained that I had just converted the car from personal use to a commercial one and the policy was expired, she said Ohh we cant tax an uninsured vehicle. Anyway I commented on how nice her hair looked and asked if she had been on a diet and that her lippy was an awesome shade of purple and she eventually gave me the disc.

The que was now back up the road to Spiddal 24 Gaurda had been drafted in from Dublin to control traffic and the fast food van was doing a roaring trade.

 

Stormy weather and a rant

Well its been a windy mild month so far with a lot of rain this last week. We have had gale force winds and a couple of storm force days chucked in recently and with torrential rain I'm surprised I haven't had more trees down. Saying that I just had one uproot itself this morning in a squall. I'm leaving the cutting of it until tomorrow as I've spent the morning brush clearing and am a bit tired, I don't use the chainsaw if I'm weary as the two don't mix you have to be fresh chopping trees I recon.

Not much been happening here apart from my usual gardening stuff, this time of year is good for reclaiming parts of the property that haven't been done yet as I'm not having to cut lawns and weed and yeah there are no midgies. I hope to get lots of reclaiming done over the Winter myself and will maybe get helpx folks to keep on top of things next Spring and Summer.

My Subaru Forester has now been in the garage for about 8 weeks, there was nothing wrong with it but I decided to get it commercialized to save on road tax, the road tax here is unbelievable €2700 a year for a 2.5ltr petrol AWD. I just cannot afford to pay that and noone would want to buy the vehicle with that much tax yearly. The commercial tax is €330 per annum but the back seats have to be removed and seat belts welded up / back windows blacked out. We have a Ford station wagon as well as the Subaru so if anyone is visiting they can be run around in her. 8 weeks to do the job doesn't seem to faze anyone when I tell them, hey this is Ireland and paperwork here can take forever.

My good friend in Canada is giving me her, surplus to requirements, Samsung S2 as mine went on the blink, she has just upgraded hers to a newer Samsung and there is nothing wrong with the old one. Anyway I rang Canada the other day to talk about the phone and I get the call free as long as its less than an hour, the call lasted about 8 mins and I thought nothing more about it until a couple of days later I went to ring my Mum in Scotland and the wee icon on the phone showed it was still connected SHEEEZE checked my bill and no worries it hadn't been connected for 50 hours solid PHEW.

Terrible the murders in Paris last weekend my thought go out to everyone involved there and also all over the World those that are dead and maimed by this most recent religious conflict. Led me to research ISIS a bit further than what is broadcast in the general media.

ISIS differs quite a bit from al Qaeda in that it It wants to establish an Islamic caliphate, or state, stretching across the region. ISIS imposes Sharia law in the area it controls. Boys and girls must be separated at school; women must wear the niqab or full veil in public. Sharia courts often dispense brutal justice, music is banned and the fast is enforced during Ramadan. Sharia law covers both religious and non-religious aspects of life.

I found it interesting that: 
Percent of Muslims who favour making Sharia the official law in their country (source: Pew Forum Research, 2013).

In many countries where an official secular legal system exists alongside Sharia, the vast majority of their Muslim citizens favour making Sharia the official law. For example, while the Egyptian military may have blocked the Muslim Brotherhood's efforts in this direction, 74% of Egypt's Muslims still favour it.

Even in Jordan, Indonesia and Malaysia - Muslim countries with progressive images - the relatively secular ruling elite sit atop Muslim masses, 71%, 72% and 86% respectively of whom want their countries to be ruled by Sharia.

And in Iraq, where the United States shed blood and money for over a decade to try to plant democracy, 91% of its Muslims want to live under Sharia.

According to the Sharia law:

•  Theft is punishable by amputation of the right hand 

•  Criticizing or denying any part of the Quran is punishable by death.

•  Criticizing or denying Muhammad is a prophet is punishable by death.

•  Criticizing or denying Allah, the moon god of Islam is punishable by death.

•  A Muslim who becomes a non-Muslim is punishable by death.

•  A non-Muslim who leads a Muslim away from Islam is punishable by death.

•  A non-Muslim man who marries a Muslim woman is punishable by death.

•  A man can marry an infant girl and consummate the marriage when she is 9 years old.

•  Girls' clitoris should be cut (per Muhammad's words in Book 41, Kitab Al-Adab, Hadith 5251).

•  A woman can have 1 husband, but a man can have up to 4 wives; Muhammad can have more.

•  A man can unilaterally divorce his wife but a woman needs her husband's consent to divorce.

•  A man can beat his wife for insubordination.

•  Testimonies of four male witnesses are required to prove rape against a woman.

•  A woman who has been raped cannot testify in court against her rapist(s).

•  A woman's testimony in court, allowed only in property cases, carries half the weight of a man's.

•  A female heir inherits half of what a male heir inherits.

•  A woman cannot drive a car, as it leads to fitnah (upheaval).

•  A woman cannot speak alone to a man who is not her husband or relative.

•  Meat to be eaten must come from animals that have been sacrificed to Allah - i.e., be Halal.

•  Muslims should engage in Taqiyya and lie to non-Muslims to advance Islam.

•  The list goes on.

If you ask me the bombing should stop, the refugees should all troup back to their countries where they can happily chop bits off each other, and live under their Sharia Law without the West meddling in their affairs.